What steps can we take to give up a grudge and forgive someone who has hurt, disappointed, or betrayed us? 

The following strategy model for learning forgiveness is derived from an amalgam of work by several researchers and my own work as a psychologist:

1. Look deeply into the root of your anger or grudge. Explore the situation honestly without embellishing or rearranging the details. Pay attention to how this anger is holding you back and keeping you hostage in your own day-to-day existence.

2. Stanford University Senior Consultant, Fred Luskin, talks about the way we develop our grievance story in his book, Forgive For Good. Your grievance story is the one you tell over and over to yourself and possibly to others about the way you were treated unfairly and the way you felt victimized. Review your grievance story and reengineer that story so you see yourself in a more empowered way. Perhaps you cut loosea friend or family member that was consistently hurtful or you had the fortitude to get out of a toxic marriage. You had the strength to leave a bad situation. You were indeed the hero in your own story. Look at the strengths that you developed as a result of this situation. Being hurt or compromised can be your invitation to transformation.

3. Develop your capacity for empathy and compassion. More often than not abusers have been abused themselves and they are operating at a deficit. Without ever being accepting of the hostile behaviors, try to understand the pain and suffering the abuser must be enduring.

4. Create new associations with your old story of neglect or abuse. Perhaps you can practice a ritual that signifies the end of things as they were and say goodbye to the past as you once experienced it. Welcome the good, the support, and the love that you now invite into your life. Celebrate the end of an era and the beginning of a new phase of life. Light a candle, perhaps to symbolize the brightness of the moment and the days ahead.

Remember that you cannot control others, but you can control your own choices. As you continue to reshape your grievance story, becoming the heroine of that story, develop empathy and compassion for the abuser and celebrate your strengths; you will undoubtedly begin to notice a shift in your consciousness. Your feelings of anger and sadness are likely to quiet down and your self-esteem is likely to blossom, as will your relationships.

I would love to hear your experiences around practicing this forgiveness strategy.

The holiday season is a time of joy and a time of stress. The pressure to be exuberant amidst winter’s darkness often leads to a feeling of disconnect for many. This year is especially difficult, as Hurricane Sandy came hurling to the Northeast region leaving the ravages of flooding, loss of power for millions, billions of dollars in damaged homes and businesses, and lost lives. How do we feel grateful in the face of loss?

So many that have faced the devastation of Sandy have also been blessed by the loving kindness of others. The truth is our lives are composed of a constellation of complicated feelings and they come bubbling forth at a time like this, even if we are among the lucky to get through the “super-storm” relatively unscathed.

There are strategies for cultivating gratitude – whether it’s during an epic disaster like Sandy or a department store holiday sale. With practice, even under the most difficult circumstances, the ability to be appreciative will strengthen you.

How to Cultivate Gratitude During a Time of Crisis

·Focus on taking care of today, and notice small but potent pleasures — a helping hand, a warm cup of coffee, a cozy blanket, clean water. Be in the moment.

·Consider saying ”thank you” to everyone who has helped you or added value to your life during this time of loss and transition — as well as during uneventful times. Notice what happens when you thank someone wholeheartedly.

·Keep a gratitude journal to systematically access those aspects of our lives for which we feel thankful. This is a great time to be doing just that. This practice “fires up” our brain to be more positive. Rather than focusing on the losses and setbacks that we invariably experience, we can train our minds to tease out the sweetness of our days and notice more about the good.

·Count your blessings. Just before going to sleep, think of 3-5 positive feelings or observations that occurred during the day for which you feel grateful.

·Begin to train your brain to recognize and take in the good by changing your negative thoughts to positive ones with the use of affirmations. These are simple, positive statements like, “I can do this!” Keep repeating these until the message starts to sink in. You will then be better positioned to savor the good things.

·If possible, help others in need. By giving your time and assistance to others in greater need than you, you will become more appreciative of your own blessings. Helping others is beneficial to the giver and receiver.

·Pray or thank your higher power if that is something that resonates with you.

What do you do to express gratitude during a challenging time?

Forgiveness transforms anger and hurt into healing and peace. Forgiveness can help you overcome depression, anxiety, rage as well as personal, and relational conflicts. It is about making the conscious decision to let go of a grudge. Why would anyone want to forgive someone who has wronged her in the past? It is not about letting someone off the hook for a wrongdoing, or forgetting about the past, or forgetting about the pain. It certainly does not mean that you stick around for future maltreatment from a boss, a partner, parent, or friend. It is about setting yourself free so that you can move forward in your own life. Viktor E. Frankl, author, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor wrote in Man’s Search For Meaning, “You who want peace can find it only by complete forgiveness.” More recently, psychologist and author, Joan Borysenko said. “You can forgive someone who wronged you and still call the police and testify in court.” She also notes that forgiveness requires a deep inquiry within about your story.

Forgiveness means giving up the suffering of the past and being willing to forge ahead with far greater potential for inner freedom. Anne Lamott famously declared, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past.” Besides the reward of letting go of a painful past, there are numerous physical and psychological benefits that go hand-in-hand with the practice of forgiveness.

The problem for many of us is that sometimes we can choose to forgive another, but still in our heart of hearts the anger or resentment lingers.  However, it is in fact possible to forgive and truly let go of past disappointments, hurts, or blatant acts of abuse. Although at times this may seem implausible; forgiveness is a teachable and learnable skill that can dramatically improve with practice over time.

Harvard researcher and physician, George Valliant, describes forgiveness as one of the eight positive emotions that keep us connected with our deepest selves and with others. He considers these positive emotions to be key ingredients that bind us together in our humanity and they include love, hope, joy, compassion, faith, awe, and gratitude. Whether you have a spiritual bend or not, the research supports the notion that developing stronger positive emotions supports us in leading healthier, happier, and more connected lives. When we forgive and develop these other positive emotions we become less encumbered by the scars of the past.

The question remains: how do we give up a grudge and forgive someone who has hurt, disappointed, or betrayed us? Fred Luskin talks about the way we develop our grievance story in his book, Forgive For Good. Your grievance story is the one you tell over and over to yourself and possibly to others about the way you were maltreated and the way you became the victimized. Luskin teaches us to cast our story in such a way that we become a survivor of difficult times, or better yet the hero of our story.

The following strategy model for learning forgiveness is derived from an amalgam of work by several researchers and my own work as a psychologist:

1.     Inquire deeply about the root of your anger or grudge. Look at the situation honestly without embellishing or rearranging the details. Pay attention to how this anger is holding you back and keeping you hostage in your own day-to-day existence.

2.     Review your grievance story and reengineer that story so you see yourself in a more empowered way. Perhaps you cut loose a friend or family member that was consistently hurtful or got out of a toxic marriage. You had the fortitude to leave a bad situation. You were indeed the survivor and hero in your own story. Look at the strengths that you developed as a result of this situation. Being hurt or compromised can be your invitation to transformation.

3.     Develop your capacity for empathy and compassion. More often than not abusers have been abused themselves and they are operating at a deficit. Without ever being accepting of their hostile behaviors, try to understand the pain and suffering the abuser must be enduring.

4.     Create new associations with your old story of neglect or abuse. Perhaps you can practice a ritual that signifies the end of things as they were and say goodbye to the past as you once experienced it. Welcome the good, the support, and the love that you now invite into your life. Celebrate the end of an era and the beginning of a new phase of life. Light a candle, perhaps to symbolize the brightness of the moment and the days ahead.

5.     Remember that you cannot control others, but you can control your own choices. As you continue to reshape your grievance story, becoming the heroine of that story, develop empathy and compassion for the abuser and celebrate your strengths; you will undoubtedly begin to notice a shift in your consciousness. Your feelings of anger and sadness are likely to quiet down and your self-esteem is likely to blossom, as will your relationships.

I would love to hear your experiences around practicing this forgiveness strategy. Please let me know your comments, suggestions, or experiences regarding the practice of forgiveness.

Archives of research reveal that women of all ages and circumstances have feelings of isolation, inadequacy and the fear of sharing their personal stories. It is important to find trustworthy people who will listen without judgment, enhancing our willingness to self-disclose. Ideally, the person you choose to share with is:

1. A skilled listener – listens mindfully to what you are saying, asks relevant questions and offers comments after gathering sufficient information.
2. Trustworthy – will hold what you share in confidence.
3. Easy to talk to – the listener makes you feel safe, valued and comfortable as you tell your story.
4. Nonjudgmental – judgments and criticisms are omitted from the conversation.
5. Empathic – the listener is compassionate and willing to deal with the emotions elicited by your story.

Consider speaking with a trained professional, like a therapist, social worker or life coach, or a trusted clergy member. Another option is sharing with a friend or loved one who can maintain boundaries around our intimate stories and experiences. Self-disclosing with friends can also strengthen the bonds of the relationship. However, when sharing with friends it is important to know that reciprocity must occur over time.

The Benefits of Self-Disclosure

• Connects us with others, builds relationships and vital for good mental health
• Builds trust with another and strengthens our self-esteem
• Stimulates personal and spiritual growth
• Makes sense out of our experiences and choices
• Alleviates anxiety and feelings of isolation and aloneness
• Deepens resilience and helps us navigate through losses and challenges
• Reinforces that while our life’s journey is unique, there is a universality to our emotional world
• Strengthens self-confidence and feelings of personal empowerment
• Supports us in giving back, helping others by listening and making ourselves available emotionally.

Can you recall a time when sharing your personal story helped you move forward in your life–even when no answers were given? We would love to hear about any experiences you would like to share….

What does it mean to be in the moment? How can you learn to be truly present  rather than simply getting through another day on automatic pilot?

The truth is today is not just another day. It is the only day that you can count on. There are no guarantees about tomorrow or the day after. We, as humans, plan and the universe laughs. The moment you are in is the gift and your best response is to be open to whatever “is” today. The rest is in the past or in your wishes and fantasies about the future.

Life has a way of interfering with your thoughts of what is to come. Look around and soak in the present by breathing in the moment and allowing yourself to Be Here Now, as Ram Dass wrote about in his now iconic book.

Suffering comes from dwelling on the past and focusing on the future. Sadly many of us live in the darkness of yesterday and the yearning of what might be. The breath is the vehicle that helps us back to the now. When we come to our ‘senses’ we are free to experience ourselves in the present.

Being in the moment is not about doing anything in particular. It is about being able to do the dishes, fold the laundry, hang out with friends and know that this day, right now is unique. This moment is special and will never come again, nor will it ever be the same.

The blessing is taking in the sweetness of whatever lies before you today. Being in the moment is about being grateful for this breath, for this moment and filling your mind and heart with gratitude for the wonder of now.

What does being in the moment mean to you? How do you get yourself to experience the ‘now’ rather than living in the past or future?

Give yourself and your loved ones the best gift of all by focusing on the magic and true spirit of the holiday season. Often busyness, expectations and multitasking eclipse the essence of the holidays. Savor the holiday season and create new memories.

Here are 10 ways to maximize this merry month:

1. Take care of yourself. You’ll have more good energy to share with others. Schedule time for rest, bubble baths, walks, and writing in your journal. A little self-nurturing can go a long way.
2. Slow down. Focus on deepening connections with friends and family instead of filling your time with meaningless errands and stuff.
3. Think gratitude. Thank those who have helped or supported you throughout the year. A visit, personal note or phone call can be really make a difference in communicating your appreciation and strengthening a relationship.
4. Focus on the good in others. Recognize the unique gifts that each of your friends and family members bring to your life.
5. Be patient. During the holiday season it is sometimes easy to let the lines, traffic, parking and other situations irritate us. Rather than getting aggravated, take some deep breaths and be in the moment.
6. Forgive someone who disappointed or hurt you. Remember forgiving another benefits you more than the person who let you down. In fact, forgiveness is one of the keys to happiness.
7. Practice random acts of kindness. Help those less fortunate and reach out to whomever – just because.
8. Celebrate your accomplishments. Take time with your family and your friends to revel in whatever good fortune you’ve had as you usher in another holiday season.
9. Eat smart. Yummy foods abound during this time of year. Appreciate the bounty and enjoy. You can still stay conscious of your choices and portion control.
10. Don’t worry. Be happy!!!

Wishing you all a safe, happy, love-filled holiday season.

With love and inspiration,

Rachel developed gratitude in the face of personal loss. She learned one of the secrets to becoming happier and more optimistic. Rachel changed the way she perceived herself and others by incorporating a greater sense of appreciation into her daily life.

She found herself going to bed each night feeling a sense of loss, anger and loneliness. Rachel recently ended her three-year relationship with her charming and quite handsome live-in boyfriend after discovering through a trusted girlfriend that Richard had been repeatedly unfaithful. Everyone seemed to know but Rachel.

Shame seeped into her everyday experience. Shallow and interrupted sleep left Rachel exhausted each day and was interfering with her work. She became more irritable and less able to focus on her role as a physical therapist.

Talking therapy helped her to understand more about the men she chooses. She began to see the patterns of her behavior. Rachel serially dated men that reminded her of her father, who had a long history of cheating. Her parents bitterly divorced when she was about 13 years old.

Now 33 years old, Rachel finally grasped how she was searching for someone like her father, but with whom she hoped she could have a happier ending. What she discovered was that she needed to broaden her horizons and not be so fast to reject men that did not immediately grab her attention in that old familiar way.

She told me that she often found herself feeling angry and cheated. This attitude ran interference with Rachel’s ability to connect in her relationships with men and women. She experienced little appreciation for the good in her life.

I suggested that she keep a gratitude journal. Rachel already kept a journal where she recorded her feelings and the events of the day. This gratitude journal would be intended only for writing down those events of the day for which she felt grateful. The object was for Rachel to diminish her anger and resentment and develop a greater sense of appreciation.

Gratitude is an integral part of a healthy life and sense of well-being. Rachel was loosing herself in her own negativity. Developing a stronger sense of gratitude is one of the key factors towards creating more happiness in one’s life.

She wrote in her gratitude journal nightly about 3-5 experiences for which she found a positive angle. Over time she found herself feeling more optimistic, happy, open-minded and less resentful. Rachel felt a greater sense of connectedness and wanted to spend more time with friends. She also noticed a qualitative difference in her sleep.

After several months of our conversations and writing in her gratitude journal, Rachel was back to a healthier social life. She felt like she had truly developed a deeper sense of gratitude. This time she moved more slowly and thoughtfully as she went out on dates. She also found herself feeling more appreciative of her friendships and her ability to take care of herself.

What are you grateful for today?

My heart weighed heavy this week. Empty nest pangs gnawing at me yet again. My two college age children headed back to their respective schools in upstate New York and Delaware. I cherished our time together as a family during their summer break as never before. No fancy vacations, no beach time together, none of our usual summer rituals. This summer was devoted to helping Mom get back on her feet after a difficult surgery and reviving her usual active life.

The golden lining of this challenging time was experiencing the depth of love and compassion that deeply bonds our family together. I did not fully appreciate the beautiful beings my children have turned into. They had never been put to the test before. Amy and Max rose to the occasion of caring for me like nothing else could matter more.

Amy carefully doled out medications three times daily, prepared meals, changed linens and folded laundry. Max grocery shopped, ran errands and took our beloved dog, Kooper, for long walks, even on the hottest days. Not that they didn’t have moments of enjoying their own summer, but their selflessness trumped all the other activities in a powerful way.

Everyone handled the disappointment of canceled vacation time with sensitivity and grace. The most amazing part was how much fun we managed to have together as a family, even under difficult circumstances. Friends and neighbors visited and brought meals, treats and fresh flowers, a steady flow of love from our community.

As we packed bags for their return to college and organized clothes, toiletries, and accoutrements for every weather condition and situation that might arise, I reflected to myself about how different July and August felt from summers past. Something changed for each of us  – like for my babies who matured overnight into young, caring adults.

I vividly remember all the years my husband, Martin and I devoted to our children, making sure every earache, boo-boo, tantrum and sadness was tended to. Early on we decided that our most important job in life, despite our busy careers, was our role as parents. We spent many sleepless nights and scrambled days caring for our children in one way or another. It did not occur to me until recently how they absorbed the lessons of loving kindness and selflessness.

The morning Amy and Max left for their respective schools, I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. Hard to believe I had to deal with an empty nest once again. I hugged them harder than usual and gave them kisses until they gently pulled away.

What is your experience with the empty nest?

Cheryl possesses a smile that lights up a room. It’s an undeniable blend of mischief, optimism and a great sense of humor. She knows her share of pain and loss and yet she’s somehow figured out the key to maintaining a consistently positive mental attitude, with only the occasional lapses into turbulence.

A breast cancer survivor, Cheryl is the embodiment of the healing powers of friendship. The Brownie slogan “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” truly resonates with her. Friendships throughout Cheryl’s childhood as well as her high school and college years became an influential and important part of her world. Regardless of the personal and professional paths Cheryl pursued, her friends consistently remained vital to her sense of well-being.

Ups and Downs of Family Life

Cheryl as a teenager with family

Cheryl’s parents, Annette and Halle, met when they were youngsters and married when they were barely out of their teens. Cheryl was the oldest of their three children.

In high school, Cheryl’s father serendipitously bought a second-run movie theater where she and one of her brothers worked. It seemed like there was always some interesting new adventure going on in her family. Consequently, Cheryl had the unique opportunity of being exposed to a wide variety of budding businesses at a young age. Sadly for Cheryl and her siblings, her parents divorced after her younger brother left for college. Her father remarried but died soon after, suddenly at the age of 51, forever altering their worlds.

After graduating with honors from Wheaton College (Norton, MA), Cheryl married young and like her mother gave birth to three children. Along the way she freelanced for some of the local newspapers and volunteered in her children’s schools and at a variety of charitable organizations.

After 16 years, Cheryl’s marriage ended in divorce. She shared, “It is difficult to say exactly what happened, but regardless, we both made an effort to keep our private business from disrupting the family and especially our children.” Today they have a unique situation where, even though her former husband remarried, they still celebrate milestones and birthdays together. They share custody of their children and never got caught in a tug-of-war or any of the nastiness that often emerges in the divorce process.

Cheryl and Alan, New Year's Eve 2008, a week before diagnosis

Cheryl has had many chapters in her life – from a career woman in Manhattan to married suburban homemaker to divorced freelance writer, editor and publicist. She is devoted to her children, now 24, 21 and 16, her Portuguese Water Dog, Pepper, and her partner, Alan. Like many women juggling multiple roles, Cheryl put herself and her health last on the “to do” list.

Never in her wildest dreams did Cheryl think that she could compromise her health to such an extent that she would one day end up fighting for her life!

A Cancer Diagnosis and Journey to Wellness

In 2006 Cheryl had a mammogram at the Imaging Center in Boston. The radiologist spotted something in her right breast, did an ultrasound and then tried to aspirate it. Nothing came out. Cheryl said that, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have recognized that this was not a cyst, but a solid mass and most likely a tumor that needed to be biopsied immediately.” The radiologist  told her “to follow-up with her doctor.” Cheryl’s did not feel alarmed about getting to her doctor and her life felt chaotic at the time. In hindsight, Cheryl knows she needed to be more proactive and in charge of her own health care.

Late in 2006 she got a letter saying that the facility at One Brookline Place closed and she needed to collect the copies of her mammogram films or they would be put into storage. Cheryl neglected to pick up her films. Next Cheryl heard from her ob-gyn that he was leaving his practice and moving to California. In 2007, Cheryl was now without a gynecologist and any record of her history.

Finally in September 2007 she found a new doctor, and after 18 months, had her long overdue mammogram. She did not stay for the radiologist to read her film. About a week later she was asked to return for another round of films and to bring her last set of films with her. Cheryl now made her trek to the Boston Medical Center.

Spring 2008, Cheryl while undergoing treatment

By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had spread outside of the ducts and into her lymph nodes, local advanced (or Stage IIIb). Her surgeon feared that the cancer may have spread to an inoperable lymph node, but as Cheryl put it, “Only by the grace of God and sheer luck did I dodge that bullet. I never dreamed that I would be grateful to have  a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis, but the reality is that once the cancer spreads, the road to wellness is that much longer and tougher!”

She is extremely fortunate that the cancer did not metastasize to other parts of her body. Cheryl paid a price for her lax approach to her health care. She endured nearly a year of grueling treatment and surgeries to reach a stage where there was “no evidence of cancer.”

Cheryl continues to be on a medication regimen that produces a wide range of side effects and in January 2010, she underwent a bilaterial DIEP flap reconstructive surgery.  She tries very hard not to let herself worry about recurrence, although the thought persists in the back of her mind. Cheryl remains committed to practicing her affirmations and self-hypnosis exercises on a daily basis.

Friends Helped Cheryl’s Healing Process

Throughout her cancer experience and beyond, Cheryl has leaned on her circle of wonderful, supportive, devoted friends. “I like to think that I am a very good friend to have and that I give a great deal to those I care about. So when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008, you might say it was karma that all of that giving was returned to me in spades.”

At first it was difficult for Cheryl to be the recipient and not the giver, but as she continued on her difficult journey she learned one of the most important lessons about healing. “You have to put yourself at the top of the list during this critical time. Everyone needs to feel needed and I think it was helpful to people who were closest to me to be able to ‘do’ something and not feel so helpless.” Cheryl feels fortunate that she is the type of person able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it. “I think it’s because I don’t feel as though I’m imposing – I feel as though I’m offering an opportunity to help me and then I will return the favor. It’s a give-and-take, which most friendships are.”

Cheryl and friends, July 2008 before surgery

Everyone who knows Cheryl has heard her say, “No one survives cancer (or any illness or trauma) alone. It is a team effort – you need the support of family and friends. You need to gather a good medical team, one that you trust and feel comfortable and confident in. You need to have faith, hope and trust in people whom you have never even met.”

One of Cheryl’s most cherished memories is after she came home from her mastectomy; she noticed her front yard looked rather neglected. She loves gardening and had begun a project in her front yard before her surgery. A week after her return home, a group of her friends came over unsolicited and completed the job.  “Every time I stood up to do something they all shouted, ‘Sit down, Cheryl!’” She has no doubt in her mind that part of the reason she had such a great outcome from her cancer diagnosis was due to the love and care she received from so many loving friends.

Cheryl tries to express her gratitude whenever possible. “Whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with breast cancer now, I reach out and help them understand and get through this difficult time. Before this disease touched me, I never knew what to say or do. Now I feel like I can make a significant difference in the lives of others. It feels like it has become part of my mission in life.” Cheryl occasionally experiences some dark days, but she does what she can to maintain a positive outlook and the belief that she will survive and flourish.

Healing Herself and Making a Difference

Cheryl with Maxine and Janet, 2007

Now she is trying to get to year five when she jumps into a much better statistical survival pool. For now, Cheryl is very proud of her role as a breast cancer survivor and advocate for good health for women. “That is one reason why I have stayed very involved at the Virginia Thurston Healing Garden, which is an extraordinary place for women undergoing cancer treatment. Besides serving on a committee for a fundraiser in 2009, I took part in their annual walk to raise money last October. I raised the most funds as a single walker. This year I hope to put together a team to walk there, and at the Making Strides event on the Esplanade.”

Cheryl currently gives inspirational talks at special events for AstraZeneca, including the 2009 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  “It was one of the thrills of my life the first time I stood before 4,000 people and told my story.” She also participated in two science days for AstraZeneca, once with her oncologist, and once with one of her heroes in the breast cancer wars, Jacqueline Pimentel. Jacqueline lost her battle with cancer but Cheryl learned a great deal from her about maintaining a loving spirit and never succumbing to the disease. “Her expression NGUNGI! never give up, never give in, has been a rallying cry for many of us survivors.”

Cheryl with close friends Melanie and Linda

Friends and family encouraged Cheryl to endure her cancer fight, and their relentless support gives her the strength to carry on. “So if anyone asks me, do I think friendship is a key component to healing? The answer is unequivocally, yes!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “’To have a friend you have to be a friend.” That seems to be Cheryl’s motto for life.

Three days post hip replacement surgery a small team with a large ambulance transported me to a rehabilitation facility. While there, I began to heal from the invasive procedure and relearn the act of walking.

Handfuls of medications came periodically throughout the day. One hour before physical therapy, pain medication was generously doled out so that I could tolerate the pain from the simplest of leg and hip movements.

The days spent there seemed to meld together. Each day was about taking care of basic bodily functions: washing, changing johnnies, taking packs of medications, learning and relearning the crucial hip precautions, physical therapy that left me reeling and baby steps with the walker.

My concentration faded into a mere blur. People magazine seemed difficult to follow. My fantasy before the surgery was to read and write as I recovered from the ordeal. For the first couple of weeks, the written word seemed like nothing more than hieroglyphics.

During the long nights at rehab, I laid on my back, unable to sleep or modify my position. My body temperature could not properly adjust and sporadically throughout each night I found myself drenched in sweat and shivering uncontrollably.

I could barely organize my thoughts, but managed to press the “help” button. As if by magic, a woman instantly came to my bedside and whispered, “How can I help?” “What’s wrong?” Through chattering teeth I told her I was freezing cold and dripping in sweat. “Everything is wet,” I said. “I just need to get dry and warm.”

She responded calmly, “You’re okay darling. This is normal. I’ll get you all set up. Just relax. Just breathe. You’ll be better than new in just a few minutes.” She carefully put my limp body into her arms and moved me to the chair next to my bed with guardrails. Her strength made me feel safe.

First, she slowly took off my wet johnny and replaced it with one that was deliciously warm and soft. My heart rate slowed down and my respiration began to smooth out. Next, she changed the bedding one layer at a time. She attentively slipped me back into bed and told me to relax my body for now I would be able to drift off to sleep. And so I did…

About an hour later I again found myself in a cold sweat, feeling scared and out of control yet again. I pressed the button and back she came, with the same patience and compassion as the first time. We went through the cycle repeatedly. Never once was there a delayed reaction to my call for help or a hint of annoyance in her demeanor, even though my bedding and night clothes needed to be changed night after night, a minimum of five times.

The surgeon called my condition “thermo-disregulation”, which sometimes arises as a side effect of a major surgery. I dubbed the nurses and nurses’ aids “the angels of the night.” They consistently came to my rescue and in a matter of minutes, made everything better so I could feel safe again.

These women had beautiful hearts and gentle souls. Many of them looked as though they had been through their own life traumas, but each time they came I felt like there was some kind of divine intervention.

I feel so humbled and grateful in a bizarre sort of way for this lesson in kindness and humanity. Thank you to my “angels of the night”.

Who are you grateful for in your life?