In today’s digital age, personal connection and relationships have arguably been sacrificed on the altar of technological efficiency. Our sensory world, and possibly even our neurological makeup, is being altered by headphone-attached iPods, cell phones, laptops and virtual offices. One in five romantic relationships now begin online and social networks like Facebook have forever changed the definition of “friend.”

Despite all of these changes, never before has nourishing our female friendships been so vital to maintaining a happy balance in our minds and bodies. Ample research shows that the deterioration of our connections with each other not only impoverishes our personal and communal lives, but also significantly affects our health and well-being. In my thirty-plus years of clinical experience, I have often observed that without feeling a sense of belonging or connectedness, we risk feeling anxious, depressed and alienated. Numerous scientific findings, which I will highlight below, agree that the strongest predictorfor creating a fulfilled life is building healthy relationships with others — at home, at work and in the community.

One landmark study by Laura Klein and Shelley Taylor on the relationship between friendships and stress discovered that women react to stress differently than men. This difference is due to the different proportions of hormones that are released into the bloodstream. When men and women are stressed, the hormones cortisol and epinephrine are released together, which raise a person’s blood pressure and circulating blood sugar level. Then oxytocin comes into play, which counters the production of cortisol and epinephrine and produces a feeling of calm, reduces fear and counters some of the negative effects of stress. Men release much smaller amounts of oxytocin than women, leaving them to more acutely feel the effects of the flight-or-fight response. Men tend to respond to stress by escaping from the situation, fighting back or bottling up their emotions.

Taylor contends that women, on the other hand, are genetically hard-wired for friendship in large part due to the oxytocin released into their bloodstream, combined with the female reproductive hormones. When life becomes challenging, women seek out friendships with other women as a means of regulating stress levels. According to Taylor a common female stress response is to “tend and befriend.” That is, when women become stressed, their inclination is to nurture those around them and reach out to others.

Another study underscoring the importance of friendships was conducted by David Spiegel, who studied the survival rate of women with breast cancer. He found that those women who had a strong, supportive circle of friends outlived by many years their counterparts who lived in social isolation.

Finally, the Nurses’ Health Studyfrom Harvard Medical School showed that the more friends women have, the less likely they are to develop physical impairments as they age, and the more likely they are to lead a contented life. The study also showed that not having friends or confidants is as detrimental to your health as being overweight or smoking cigarettes. The researchers examined how well the women functioned after the death of a spouse, one of life’s greatest stressors. They found that even in the face of this major life loss, women with close friends with whom they can share their burdens, fare better than women who lack close friendships. Friendships between women are clearly a vital aspect of living happier, healthier, and more connected lives.

In the upcoming Part 2 of this post, I will provide concrete strategies on how to create and cultivate friendships.

Today, ask yourself: What role has female friendship played in your life recently?

This is part 2 of The Importance of Female Friendships in the Digital Age article, in which we talked about how vital friendships are in the digital age. Healthy friendships emerge from mutual affection and form the social fabric of our lives– good friends regard each other as special and irreplaceable. But when we find ourselves lacking positive platonic relationships, how do we go about reaching out to old friends, becoming closer with current acquaintances, or cultivating new relationships? Each friendship matters and has a particular and unique place of value in our hearts.

Whether it is with friends, family, a therapist or a support group, women find it healing to tell their stories. We want to talk about our emotional experiences as well as process what has happened and what we might do going forward. If friendships can enrich our physical and emotional lives, the question becomes, why do so many women find it challenging to nourish them? Ruthellen Josselson, author of Best Friends: The Pleasure and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships, explains that when we get busy with our work and family, the first thing we do is push away our friendships due to a lack of time or energy. We lose sight of the strength we provide each other and the healing benefits we derive from our friends. As the research suggests, we need to build and maintain these important bonds to protect our physical and emotional well-being.

Strategies for building friendships:

1. Be pro-active. Be willing to take a risk and make a new friend, and make building and strengthening friendships a priority.

2. Make daily contact with one or two friends or potential friends. Google or Facebook old friends or contacts, and reach out to someone you want to get to know. Allow frequent digital communications to be the glue that holds your friendships together, but not the foundation. Make in-person plans and dates.

3. Take a class doing something you love. Join a gym or book group, check out a local community center, or volunteer for an organization. The most natural way to make friends is through sharing a common interest, so re-evaluate your hobbies and make more room for them in your life.

4. Surround yourself with friends who bring you a feeling of joy or connectedness. Pay attention to which friends leave you feeling uplifted and which friends bring you down.

5. Treat a new friendship like a “courtship.” Don’t be overbearing, but also don’t neglect a budding relationship. Match a new friend’s affections so the friendship grows at an even pace.

6. Listen thoughtfully and with compassion. Articulate your truth clearly and authentically. Good communication is the key to all relationships.

7. Plan dates with someone you like outside of your routine setting. The more diverse your circle of friends, the more value added to your life.

8. Practice reciprocity, flexibility and compromise.

9. Moderate your expectations of others. Know that no relationship is perfect.

10. Practice loving kindness. When you are disappointed with others be quick to forgive and assume the best when possible. And show gratitude when you are feeling the love.

Something to consider is that when a friend consistently leaves you feeling worse after spending time with her, it might be time to reassess the value of that relationship. Perhaps it makes sense to lessen contact with that person, or, in extreme cases, you may need to press the delete button. As difficult as that may seem, sometimes it offers the best alternative and could positively influence your self-esteem. Also, in general most of us need a support system, or a variety of friends. We are all multifaceted and complex in terms of our needs and interests. ‘Team’ friends that support us in the many ways in which we are unique, help us feel connected and an integral part of a greater whole.

What do you do to strengthen your friendships?

A clip from my talk on resilience, healthy relationships, and transformation in Boston, Massachusetts.

Rachel, an administrative assistant with a vibrant personality never fails to light up a room and bring a sense of joy to her coworkers. That is, until January hits. Something about the cold, dark months in New England ushers Rachel into her cocoon where she hides until the days get longer and brighter. She shows up for work, but struggles every step of the way. Rachel has told me many times that she wishes this time away. A third of one’s life is a big chunk of time to be wishing away. She thinks about moving to a warmer climate, but her deep connections with her friends and family are in the Boston area.

Perhaps it is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), although she has never been formally diagnosed. Rachel continues to work, muscling through one day at a time, taking time off when possible to go to some place warm and sunny. Like a bear emerging from hibernation, Rachel gradually joins the world of the living sometime in the latter part of March. The twinkle in her eyes returns as does her infectious personality.

Rachel is in good company with those who suffer from “winter blues” and come undone during the cold, dark months. With my patients and among my friends I often observe that this is the time of year when depression sets in for many, with or without Seasonal Affective Disorder. Complaints like lethargy, flu-like symptoms, lack of concentration, weight gain, stress, anxiety and increased pain issues abound during the winter months.

The good news is that it is possible to combat the battle against the “winter blues,” by embracing certain strategies. Taking certain proactive steps can counteract the doldrums and despondency that this season sometimes brings. With practice it is even possible to experience winter from a new lens that allows you to cherish this time.

Here are ten strategies that are guaranteed to guide you back to a place of balance, well-being and heightened energy.

1. Start your day with a positive affirmation. Before even getting out of bed, think about something good about your day ahead. Create a simple, positive statement that resonates with you and refer to it often. For example, “I feel balanced, blessed and happy.” Take a moment to let this idea sink into your consciousness. When negative thoughts come up, reframe these thoughts from a positive perspective. The more you practice being positive the easier it will become to internalize these thoughts.

2. Build exercise and physical activity into your day. Take a brisk walk or swim if you belong to a club, work out at home or the gym, dance in your living room, have sex with your partner, take zumba or a yoga class. Exercise and physical activity boosts energy, improves mood and sense of well-being, combats health conditions and diseases, controls weight, promotes better sleep, and in general make you happier and more enlivened. To experience the optimal benefits of physical activity aim for a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise daily.

3. Practice a meditation or relaxation technique. Ten to fifteen minutes of meditation or relaxation once or twice daily reduces stress, improves mood, enhances quality of life, helps regulate a sense of well-being, diminishes stress, anxiety and pain. It is one of the most concentrated actions you can take to feeling more aware, balanced, focused and happier. If you do not want to meditate, then build in some extra down time for relaxation, sleep, or simply more quiet time.

4. Make friends and loved ones a priority. Winter is a great time to nurture your relationships. If you cannot get together physically, then connect with friends on the phone, Skype or some form of social media. Face-to-face contact is best, but making contact via any mode of communication trumps isolation. Consider building into your schedule a regular game of cards or mah jong, potluck dinners, or movie nights with your buds to get you out of the house. You might also enlist a friend’s company when you exercise.

5. Maintain a healthy diet. Simple carbohydrates, otherwise known as white sugar and white flour products may seem comforting on these dark and cold days. However, these foods are largely devoid of nutrients and tend to zap your energy level. The foods you choose to eat influence your overall health, ability to concentrate, and psychological well-being. To stabilize your blood sugar levels reach for the vegetables, complex carbohydrates, proteins, and fruits. Make soups, stews and broths. They are loaded with nutritional value and warm your insides while infusing your home with rich aromas.

6. Get sunshine when possible.  Studies show that it is important for those who work indoors to get outside and into the sunlight periodically. It is also best to sleep in total darkness. This can influence melatonin rhythms, which can result in better moods, energy levels, and sleep quality. Sunlight also increases the body’s vitamin D supply, which helps with immune system functioning. On sunny days consider cranking up the heat in the car and keeping the sunroof open, even if just for a few minutes at a time.  You will be deriving the benefits of the sunshine and the cold air can be quite exhilarating.

7. Embrace the beauty of the winter season. If you don’t already, consider taking up snowshoeing, cross-country or downhill skiing. Buy yourself some crampons for the bottom of your shoes so that you can safely walk outside on the ice, if you dare. Getting outside even for a little while, especially while the sun is shining lifts your spirit and changes your perspective. Take a camera if you are so inclined. Once you find a way to enjoy the season, you will find it not only easier to tolerate, but you may begin to cherish the magnificence of a cold, crisp wintry day!

8. Make a fire at home and get cozy. If you are lucky enough to have a fireplace, use it! Light candles and find other ways to create a cozy space in your home. Make a ritual of snuggling up with a book or playing games with friends or family. Winter is a time when you can more readily give yourself permission to relax and soak in the comfort of the indoors.

9. Engage in flow activities. Flow activities are any activities that you find pleasurable and while engaging in them, you lose track of time. For example: singing, playing music, painting, reading, writing, long walks in nature, photography, art projects, cleaning out closets and drawers. These activities help enliven the spirit and bring you back into a state of balance and happiness.

10. Focus on the big picture. What are your priorities? Are you just getting by or are you making each day count? Are you being true to yourself and honoring your deepest needs and desires? Everyday that you put energy into living in your truth you will bring yourself to a place a greater joy. Finding balance and happiness is about making each day count, even in the dead of winter. Combining some or all of these strategies will bring you greater vitality, which in turn will make you feel good physically, psychologically, and spiritually.

In all likelihood you are practicing some of these strategies already. Every day is an opportunity to stretch your abilities and go deeper into finding the wisdom of your mind and body. Winter can be a magnificent time to hone your skills and find a new sense of beauty and wonder.

How do you find pleasure during the winter months?

Photo credit to Andrea Danee Peterson

All relationships struggle. To love is to at least occasionally engage in conflict. And we all know that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Unfortunately, we often fight the most with the people we love, whether they are our friends, family, or romantic partners. Because we are most invested in them, we are heavily affected by their words and actions and feel comfortable enough to express our dissatisfaction.

Michelle, a thirty-something attorney, speaks frequently about struggles in her relationships with her women friends and boyfriend of two years, Kyle. While kind-hearted and generous in many ways, Michelle emanates an “edge” or hints of anger, which inadvertently pushes away the people in her life, especially the ones she loves. She often feels remorseful after one of her episodes with either Kyle or a dear friend. Michelle does not know how to change this pattern of behavior. Although she has suffered from feelings of loneliness and isolation over the years, she has not yet learned how to nurture herself and her relationships.

In order to prevent her relational as well as self-sabotage, Michelle learns and implements these key strategies for navigating through conflict.

1. Remain open and curious. 

Be curious, rather than judgmental about what your friend or loved one shares. It is much more compelling and informative to listen carefully when someone is speaking to you. Judgment and criticism can be toxic to any relationship. At times it is easy to assume that you know what your friend is about to say or even be compelled to complete her sentence. When you remain open to the possibilities, you may find yourself surprised by the outcome. People feel cared for when they are truly heard. Pay attention to your friends’ words, the nuances of their body language, tone of their voice, and eye contact. Remember “tone over content” matters most.

2. Assume the best of the person with whom you are talking.

Our minds have a way of taking us to weird and sometimes paranoid places. Often we think the worst without considering the alternatives. Odds are, we will discover that our friend or lover is well intended if we allow ourselves to listen with an open mind and heart. Try to understand the other point-of-view and assume the best, even when you disagree. You stand to gain powerful insights about your friends when you understand their perspectives. When you assume the best about another person, he or she tends to step into his or her best self.

3. Laugh Often.

Before, after, and even during a conflict, try to find anything at all that the two of you can laugh about. Deliberately craft fun experiences, for these times together create the memories that bring meaning and sweetness to our lives. It’s been shown that laughter builds the immune system, releases endorphins, increases blood flow to the heart, relaxes muscles, lowers blood pressure, especially in women, improves the body’s ability to use oxygen, boosts energy level and sense of well-being, improves problem solving abilities, decreases stress, pain, anxiety and anger, and heightens optimism and resilience.

4. Apologize

Be quick to apologize when you have hurt or offended another. Apology is an important way of showing compassion, respecting another person, and letting them know that their feelings count. An apology can heal relationships and alleviate suffering. Although the past cannot be undone, a heartfelt apology can work wonders to repair a damaged relationship. Apologizing means digging deep and taking in how you have wronged another and letting them know that you understand and that you are sorry. You will benefit by not carrying around the guilt and regret for having said or done something that caused someone else pain. They will benefit by being recognized and feeling that they can more readily move past the offense or wrongdoing. An apology also clears the path to forgiveness.

5. Forgive

According to psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, forgiveness requires a “shift in thinking.” We make the decision to view the person that wronged us differently. It does not mean that we forget what happened or that the person is off the hook for their behavior. It means that we are ready to let go of the wrongdoing and of the past so that we can move forward in our own lives. Sometimes forgiving another person deepens the relationship and sometimes it means that the relationship is over and you are choosing to no longer look back. Either way, forgiveness liberates us from the pain and loss of the past. Learning to forgive can be cultivated with practice and the passage of time.

How do you navigate through the conflicts in your relationships?

Winston Churchill once said, “The maxim ‘nothing but perfection’ may be spelled ‘paralysis.’” We’ve probably all met perfectionists in our lives, and know how difficult life can be for them and those around them. Perfectionism is the internalized belief that mistakes cannot be made and that the highest standards of performance in all aspects of life must consistently be met. Some common characteristics of a perfectionist include:

•Sets unrealistic goals and standards

•Personalizes mistakes and perceives them as a lack of self-worth

•Depletes energy levels by being preoccupied with the fear of failure

•Interprets comments and suggestions as criticism or as a personal affront

•Exhibits rigid behavior out of fear of making mistakes

•Gets frustrated with outcomes that fall short of perfection

If you recognize these personality traits in yourself or in loved ones, know that perfectionism need not be a permanent condition. It is possible to alleviate the stress, disappointment, and missed opportunities for happiness due to perfectionist behavior, by applying the following strategies:

Strategies for Overcoming Perfectionism

1.  Getting to “good enough.”

Learn to give yourself permission to do your best in your role of mother, daughter, partner, colleague and know when your efforts were “good enough.” It is a great gift for anyone who suffers with the idea that things must be perfect. We must come together and institute the idea of “the death of perfection.” Perfectionism is harmful to our psyches because it is unattainable and makes us feel like we are “less than,” even when we are doing our best. The notion of the “good enough mother” or having the “good enough career” does not mean that you compromise your integrity or commitment to your responsibilities, but rather that you embrace the multiple roles of life fully and realistically.

2.  Progress not perfection.

Use an affirmation such as “Progress not perfection.” An affirmation is a phrase or statement that either asserts the truth or conveys some positive thought that is within the realm of possibility. Another example could be, “Whole and integrated” or “Healing, health, and harmony.” Whatever simple, positive statement speaks to you is a good one for you to use.

To practice your affirmation, first take a few deep breaths to unwind. Then repeat your phrase. It is as simple as that. You can repeat your phrase while getting ready for your day, in the car, while you exercise, or whenever it comes to mind. Affirmations are particularly effective when you are in a relaxed state because that is when your mind is most receptive to suggestion. This is what the practice of hypnosis is based upon.

Repeating your affirmation “Progress not perfection” will help to create an attitudinal shift that will better equip you to accept your own limitations as well as those of your family members, friends, and coworkers. Over time you might even notice a greater sense of compassion for yourself.

3. Celebrate your accomplishments.

Most of move so swiftly from one accomplishment to another that we don’t get to savor or appreciate what we have done. Instead we focus on what needs to happen next, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed or depressed. Focus your successes and make sure you find a way to acknowledge your achievements, big and small. You need to be your best cheerleader. This builds your sense of joy and it is likely going to be contagious. When others see you appreciating your own accomplishments, they are likely to do the same, which then creates a more positive environment at home and at work.

The death of perfection and acceptance of “good enough” is a radical notion, that when embraced can help to liberate us in today’s wildly demanding world.

How do you embrace the notion of “good enough” in your multiple roles?

Photo credit to Max Gredinger

Breathing abdominally is the key to self-regulation and the initiation of a relaxation response.  The breath can be seen as a barometer for how we are responding to a given situation. A shallow, rapid breath typically indicates that we are anxious or afraid. The sympathetic nervous system is engaged when we are breathing shallowly and in the chest. We are engaged in a fight-or-flight response. Unless one is truly running from danger or engaging in battle, this rapid, chest breath depletes our energy and leaves us feeling drained and frazzled. I frequently observe this kind of breathing pattern in patients talking about painful memories as well as everyday life events. The problem with this is that the body is revved with no place to go.

It is important to know that one cannot be relaxed and anxious at the same time. Two different systems are being triggered just by the way in which we breathe (sympathetic and parasympathetic). Therefore, if we shift our breathing from rapid and shallow to slow and deep we can move ourselves from an anxious state to a relaxed one. Learning how to breathe abdominally is perhaps the single most powerful tool for quieting anxiety, stress, and managing the spectrum of difficult emotions that we face throughout the life cycle. Abdominal breathing initiates the parasympathetic nervous system, which induces a relaxation response.

Interestingly a shallow breath can also be a sign of depression. The brain, muscles, and nervous system need an adequate oxygen supply in order for us to feel good. Learning to deepen the breath can help diminish depression. Exercise also facilitates this feeling of well-being, at least in part for the way it makes the breathing pattern deeper and more rhythmical.

Breathing seems like a basic and automatic event that does not require our attention. Yet, when we do become conscious of the way we breathe, we can significantly improve certain aspects of our lives. In essence we want to make the usually unconscious process of breathing more conscious and deliberate–at least initially. Long, slow, deep rhythmical breathing has been shown not only to reduce anxiety and depression, but to decrease heart rate, decrease blood pressure, decrease muscle tension, and ushers us into the present. Abdominal breathing also helps us to remain focused in the present moment and experience more fully whatever it is we are facing. When we remember to breathe deeply, we are usually better able to tolerate difficult feelings. Concentration and creative thought have also been shown to improve with the deepening of the breath.

The technique of abdominal breathing is rather straightforward. It does not take much to learn, but it can be a major challenge to internalize and integrate into one’s daily life. Abdominal breathing or the complete three-part breath as it is sometimes called involves aerating or oxygenating all parts of the lungs.

Three-Part Complete Breath

•   Practice abdominal breathing by sitting in a comfortable position. Loosen anything around the waist that could restrict the breath.

•   Breathe through the nostrils, which serve as a filter for the inhaled oxygen.

•   Breathe down toward the hips so that the belly expands to the front and sides.

•   Continue to inhale so that the ribs and chest expand.

•   Lastly, the upper chest begins to fill with the incoming air. Feel the full expansion of the belly and chest.

•   Release the air in the reverse order. Relax the chest and the belly. The exhalation usually takes longer than the inhalation. You may wish to make the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation during a practice session.

When you watch a baby breathe it’s as if the whole body is expanding with each breath. It’s so natural for babies to breathe abdominally. Somewhere along the line, probably well before reaching double-digits, we unlearned what we knew instinctively as babies.

Roughly the idea is that when you breathe in, the stomach goes out, then the chest expands and when you breathe out, the chest and stomach goes in. If you do not wish to practice the three part complete breath, just keep in mind the expansion of the belly first and then the chest when you breathe in and the reverse when you breathe out. This will feel energizing and perhaps even exhilarating and the more you practice this, the more natural and automatic it will become.

Another good way to relearn abdominal breathing is to get into a position called ‘constructive rest.’ Lying down on a flat surface, the knees are elevated and the neck supported. This is an antigravity position. In this supine position we automatically breathe abdominally. It is possible to watch the rise and fall of the breath in this position. Practicing abdominal breathing can be done when sitting, standing, waiting, driving, meeting etc. There are countless opportunities during any given day to practice or refocus the attention to the breath, even while doing other tasks. The abdominal breathing focus might well improve the performance of most of our daily activities whether at home, at work or wherever. Practicing abdominal breathing gives us the added benefit of improving concentration and sense of calm.  It is impossible to overdo abdominal breathing and the more it is practiced, the greater sense of calm and control we experience. When practicing the breathing and experiencing its effects we can clearly see the connection between the mind and body.

What do you notice about the way you feel when you deliberately breathe abdominally?

What steps can we take to give up a grudge and forgive someone who has hurt, disappointed, or betrayed us? 

The following strategy model for learning forgiveness is derived from an amalgam of work by several researchers and my own work as a psychologist:

1. Look deeply into the root of your anger or grudge. Explore the situation honestly without embellishing or rearranging the details. Pay attention to how this anger is holding you back and keeping you hostage in your own day-to-day existence.

2. Stanford University Senior Consultant, Fred Luskin, talks about the way we develop our grievance story in his book, Forgive For Good. Your grievance story is the one you tell over and over to yourself and possibly to others about the way you were treated unfairly and the way you felt victimized. Review your grievance story and reengineer that story so you see yourself in a more empowered way. Perhaps you cut loosea friend or family member that was consistently hurtful or you had the fortitude to get out of a toxic marriage. You had the strength to leave a bad situation. You were indeed the hero in your own story. Look at the strengths that you developed as a result of this situation. Being hurt or compromised can be your invitation to transformation.

3. Develop your capacity for empathy and compassion. More often than not abusers have been abused themselves and they are operating at a deficit. Without ever being accepting of the hostile behaviors, try to understand the pain and suffering the abuser must be enduring.

4. Create new associations with your old story of neglect or abuse. Perhaps you can practice a ritual that signifies the end of things as they were and say goodbye to the past as you once experienced it. Welcome the good, the support, and the love that you now invite into your life. Celebrate the end of an era and the beginning of a new phase of life. Light a candle, perhaps to symbolize the brightness of the moment and the days ahead.

Remember that you cannot control others, but you can control your own choices. As you continue to reshape your grievance story, becoming the heroine of that story, develop empathy and compassion for the abuser and celebrate your strengths; you will undoubtedly begin to notice a shift in your consciousness. Your feelings of anger and sadness are likely to quiet down and your self-esteem is likely to blossom, as will your relationships.

I would love to hear your experiences around practicing this forgiveness strategy.

“To forgive and forget” is a prevailing idiom in our culture, but for most of us it is hard for us to truly let go and move forward in our lives. When dealing with a conflict, we need to let go of a past hurt, so that we can propel ourselves to a place of higher understanding and loving awareness. Forgiveness means giving up the anger or suffering of the past and being willing to forge ahead with far greater potential for inner freedom. As Mahatma Ghandi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

A stunning example of how forgiveness can transform anger and hurt into healing and peace is the incredible story of DUI awareness advocates Renee Napier and Eric Smallridge. In 2002, Smallridge, then 24, killed Napier’s 20-year-old daughter Meagan and her best friend while driving drunk in Pensacola, FL. Smallridge was sentenced to 22 years in prison. Napier coped with her immense grief by becoming an outspoken advocate against drunk driving, but according to an interview with ABC news, she felt her presentation was “missing something.” In 2006, along with the family of the other deceased girl, Napier established contact with Smallridge and began lobbying to reduce his sentence. She realized if he could join her in her campaign to stop drunk driving, together they might reach a much larger audience. She succeeded, and Smallridge was released this month after serving 11 years. Now the unlikely partners are touring Florida high schools, delivering the highly emotional tale of Meagan’s death. What’s more, Napier now says her daughter’s killer is “like a son” to her. Their astonishing story of pain and renewal is a true testament to the power of forgiveness.

But not everybody is Renee Napier. The problem for many of us is that sometimes we can choose to forgive one another, but still in our heart of hearts, the anger or resentment lingers. However, it is in fact possible to let go of past disappointments, hurts, and even blatant acts of abuse. Although at times this may seem implausible, forgiveness is a teachable and learnable skill that can dramatically improve with practice over time.

Look for the upcoming Part 2 of this post for clinically proven, concrete strategies for cultivating forgiveness. For now, reach inside yourself and ask this question: How has forgiving yourself or another let you move forward on your own journey? Don’t hesitate to share your story by commenting below.

From the time we young, most people recognize that giving gifts feels just as good, if not better than, the gratitude that comes from receiving them. In fact, the exchange of gifts and gratitude is part of what makes this time of year so special to cultures all around the world. The relationship between these two expressions of love is intertwined, a bond that keeps us connected. According to leading gratitude researcher Dr. Robert Emmons, the idea of receiving a gift is central to the experience of gratitude. When we feel deeply grateful, we feel cared for and perhaps even loved.

Using the simple “thank you” is a way of recognizing or honoring each other. As in the movie Avatar, the meta-message of the phrase “I see you” means that you matter and we are connected. When this connection is made, both the giver and receiver feel valued and visible. Showing appreciation acknowledges another human being and honors the interrelationship between “I” and “thou.”

Some of us find it difficult to be thankful, especially while in the throes of personal loss and life challenges. During the most traumatic phase of any loss or tragedy is exactly when we need to tune into each other for support, caring, and connection whether it is with loved ones or strangers. Our days rarely go according to plan or without unexpected challenges. The ability to appreciate the good is a special gift that some of us have. Others need to cultivate a sense of appreciation to transform our day-to-day lives.

Gratitude is a quality that can be cultivated with consistent practice. It is one of the secrets to health, happiness, and successful relationships. In a way we honor ourselves by appreciating others, because we all come together to create the greater whole.

The best news is that expressed gratitude tends to be contagious, creating a ripple effect of kindness and hope. The easiest way to express your daily gratitude is to write it down in a gratitude journal for 3-5 minutes before sleep. By cultivating your gratitude muscle, you will shift your focus from what your life lacks to the gifts that are already present.

Some of the Benefits of Gratitude Journal Writing

·The giver and receiver of gratitude receive mental and physical benefits.

·Over time this practice will likely stoke your creative juices and deepen your experience of positivity and optimism.

·You might notice yourself sleeping more soundly and having better dreams.

·Writing consistently in a gratitude journal will have lasting benefits on your ability to be resilient, to improve self-esteem and sense of well-being, and to have more fulfilling relationships.

What do you do to flex your gratitude muscle?